Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oops 🤭

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.