‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
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Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”