There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Sticker placement is key.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges