there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!