Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.
People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”
her: i’m a cat person
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds