there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

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Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.


“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots


[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late


Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them


I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.


The iPhone 7 is water-resistant, has stereo sound and a better camera but it doesn’t have that one feature that I want: affordability.


Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?


[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
*swat team busts down my door*


I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.