there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Raisins are grape jerky.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Happy thanksgiving
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.