there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings


My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.


People who say “seriously, another one?” after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.


[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?


My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”


her: i’m a cat person



me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky


Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.


“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds