there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
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Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
that colleague who touches your screen
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌