There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m not proud
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