Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u