There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Got ya covered
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless