There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
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[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
He took my last fry, your honor
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.