There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The Compass
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?