There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco