Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!