There is no try. There is only give up.
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo