There is no try. There is only give up.
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
They must have gotten it to go.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.