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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My life coach traded me.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Good news
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.