There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.