Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

I don’t get marriage

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

dead inside

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.