there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
True freaking story!
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.