there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.