There is no “we” in chocolate.
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that