There is no “we” in chocolate.
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.