@tjinscot

There is no “we” in chocolate.

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@OctopusCaveman

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@UncleDuke1969

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

@Tmoney68

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

@stevevsninjas

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

@WilliamAder

I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”

@JohnLyonTweets

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*