There is no “we” in pizza
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.