There is no “we” in pizza
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
This squirrel eats better than I do
True freaking story!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
