There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
You Might Also Like
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
How wrong was this guy?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
The cycle continues
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.