There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
The government even made aliens boring
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!