There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
ok like just. call me at this point
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
