Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

*seductively corrects your posture*

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.