There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
