Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
What even happened today?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.