Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

I know

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.