Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.