Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.