There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.
[10 mins later]
Also me: I guess this is later enough.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.