There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
You Might Also Like
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!