There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Smooooooth
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”