There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
When you let grandma cat sit
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place