There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance