There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
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In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.