There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
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5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My love language is hissing.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall