There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
