There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
<—- homeless romantic
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.