It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
You Might Also Like
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Mom: What is taking so long?!
14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP
If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.
Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open