@elunatyk

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

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@UnfilteredMama

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

@JoParkerBear

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

@MehrangizC

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

@Reverend_Scott

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

@aelfred_D

Mom: What is taking so long?!

14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP

@KKAlThani

If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@HomeProbably

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

@ericsshadow

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open