Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u