Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.