Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

per my last wtf

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.