Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

describing stardew valley

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”