There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
bears
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good