There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.