There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
*ernest hemingway voice*
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake