There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Netflix and you sit over there.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????