There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not