There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Clients after you give them your rates
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Did I do this right
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*