There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
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Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home