There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it