There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose