There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.