There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?