There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
I’ll be mad as hell!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.