Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Peter Parker Peter Driver

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Matthew was born for this.