There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
