Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.