There is wisdom there.
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marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?