There is wisdom there.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
kitchen magnet
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.