There is wisdom there.
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“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Good advice.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.