There is wisdom there.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names