There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
guilty
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Think I pulled my liver
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
wtf is an acronym
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.