There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
what is cheese if not milk persevering
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated