There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife