There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.